One of the first feelings I had after diagnosis was not fear, but anger. I was mad I had cancer. I was mad that I had to have treatments that would be damaging to me in other ways. I was mad about living in a society where companies can introduce toxins in our water, food, clothes, and environment for the sake of profit. I was mad at the influences that led me to an unhealthier diet. I was mad that work led to stress eating and less time to live a healthier lifestyle. I was mad at my work's policy surrounding PTO. I was mad at the costs of getting treated. I was mad at having to navigate FMLA and disability papework. I was mad I had to give up for a while a lot of things I enjoyed doing like climbing, running, and swimming. I was just always angry, especially early on. In addition to being angry, I was stressed all around. Exercise was usually how I managed stress, but now I needed something more.
I tried couple of things. The first was Art Therapy. The Cancer Center where I'm getting treated offers integrative therapies so I signed up for an individual session offered one afternoon. I just thought creating art would be a nice soothing way to spend some time. I'm not artistic or do art much, but I like art. I thought someone would guide me and help me make art beyond pre-school level. I had never been to therapy of any kind and had forgotten that the point of therapy was to discuss your feelings with a therapist. The session started off with the therapist telling me to draw something specific, like where I want to be if I could be anywhere. That started off simple enough but then after I finished my drawing I had to talk about it! I was like crap... I don't like talking about my feelings. I did anyway since I signed up for it. There were multiple drawings I had to do, each followed by a discussion. Part way through, I ended up losing it and started crying. I guess I had a lot of pent of emotions so once the flood gates were down it just flooded. The therapist explained I was going through grief over the loss of health and other things in my life. I needed to allow myself to grieve and be kind to myself. In some ways, letting out the pent up emotions was good. I didn't really like the process and what it took to do so though. I was just glad this was an individual session so I didn't have to cry in front of bunch of people. While I think it is perfectly acceptable for others to do so, I have difficulty being vulnerable. I wasn't prepared to do this two days in a row and cancelled the group music therapy I had scheduled the next day. But I do think this session helped.
The next thing I tried was acupuncture. More on this later.
I think the thing that really helped the most was taking time off of work. Even if I enjoyed the work I did, it was still stressful at times, and took up a lot of my time. Not working has allowed me to rest more, spend more time walking outdoors, and doing other things that brought me more joy. The stress of treatment remains and stress from work would return when I go back to work. After a while though, I decided I don't want to be angry anymore and let that feeling go.
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