Neptune Festival - "Run, Run, Run!"

Since going back to work early August, I had felt pretty overwhelmed between work, doctors appointments, treatments, and trying to stay on top of my health.  It really had not been going well at all.  I was mentally and physically exhausted, and I found myself stress eating often.  I had regained the weight I'd lost during the 4 weeks I had off from work after the surgery.  I was not feeling healthy at all.  A week into my FMLA for radiation treatment though, I was starting to feel a little better.  This weekend was Neptune Festival, and I wanted to go see the sand sculptures and other festivities going on at the oceanfront.  I just needed to do something fun, something to remind myself why I'm fighting to live. Coincidentally, a friend reached out and wanted to do the same.  I did not feel too well the Saturday, but I felt I could manage on the Sunday so we went. 

Every year at the festival there is a sand sculpting contest and that was our first stop.  There were many very beautiful sculptures.  There was one in particular though that really spoke to me and was my vote for People's Choice award.  The sculpture was titled "Run, Run, Run!" by sculptors Thomas Koet of USA and Nikolai Torkhov of Russia.  It was less about the artistry than the theme to me, but it did win 3rd place so I think it must've spoke to some of the judges too.  

Life is short, slow down so you don’t waste it! This sculpture is about the busy times in our lives, where we rush, day in, day out just to get through the week. It is so easy to forget to take a breath and try to enjoy our lives but we might miss out if we don’t take a break every now and then.

On one side of the sculpture there was a man hooked up to an IV, wearing a suit and running to work.  First thing that crossed my mind was "That's me!"  I had been trying to juggle work while undergoing cancer treatment, which has been stressful in many ways. I finally came to my senses and took FMLA/STD again starting this week but I wondered what the future holds for me.  What if I don't tolerate my medication well and feel sick all the time?  What if there is a recurrence?  What if I want to live a healthier lifestyle not working at a desk 40 hours a week?  The healthcare system in US is very expensive so health insurance is very expensive.  If I lose my current work benefits and had to go on COBRA for health insurance, it would cost over $800 a month.  I asked my company a few weeks ago if reducing my work week to 30 hours would be possible.  They said "no" - I had to use FMLA.  What happens when FMLA runs out and I get sick again?  I was really disheartened by my company's policy.  Many people probably continue to work even when they are ill just so they can keep their health insurance.  This is no way to live.  Working 40 hours a week is BS.  Having only 3 weeks of PTO is BS.  Working to age 65 is BS.  I need to get out of the rat race asap.

Anger, Grief, and Stress Management

One of the first feelings I had after diagnosis was not fear, but anger.  I was mad I had cancer.  I was mad that I had to have treatments that would be damaging to me in other ways.  I was mad about living in a society where companies can introduce toxins in our water, food, clothes, and environment for the sake of profit.  I was mad at the influences that led me to an unhealthier diet.  I was mad that work led to stress eating and less time to live a healthier lifestyle.  I was mad at my work's policy surrounding PTO.  I was mad at the costs of getting treated.  I was mad at having to navigate FMLA and disability papework. I was mad I had to give up for a while a lot of things I enjoyed doing like climbing, running, and swimming.  I was just always angry, especially early on.  In addition to being angry, I was stressed all around.  Exercise was usually how I managed stress, but now I needed something more.

I tried couple of things.  The first was Art Therapy.  The Cancer Center where I'm getting treated offers integrative therapies so I signed up for an individual session offered one afternoon.  I just thought creating art would be a nice soothing way to spend some time.  I'm not artistic or do art much, but I like art. I thought someone would guide me and help me make art beyond pre-school level.  I had never been to therapy of any kind and had forgotten that the point of therapy was to discuss your feelings with a therapist.  The session started off with the therapist telling me to draw something specific, like where I want to be if I could be anywhere.  That started off simple enough but then after I finished my drawing I had to talk about it!  I was like crap... I don't like talking about my feelings.  I did anyway since I signed up for it.  There were multiple drawings I had to do, each followed by a discussion.  Part way through, I ended up losing it and started crying.  I guess I had a lot of pent of emotions so once the flood gates were down it just flooded.  The therapist explained I was going through grief over the loss of health and other things in my life.  I needed to allow myself to grieve and be kind to myself.  In some ways, letting out the pent up emotions was good.  I didn't really like the process and what it took to do so though.  I was just glad this was an individual session so I didn't have to cry in front of bunch of people.  While I think it is perfectly acceptable for others to do so, I have difficulty being vulnerable.  I wasn't prepared to do this two days in a row and cancelled the group music therapy I had scheduled the next day. But I do think this session helped.

The next thing I tried was acupuncture.  More on this later.   

I think the thing that really helped the most was taking time off of work.  Even if I enjoyed the work I did, it was still stressful at times, and took up a lot of my time.  Not working has allowed me to rest more, spend more time walking outdoors, and doing other things that brought me more joy.  The stress of treatment remains and stress from work would return when I go back to work. After a while though, I decided I don't want to be angry anymore and let that feeling go. 

Telling People

The first person I told my diagnosis to was my live-in boyfriend.  It was simple and there was no drama since the prognosis was good.  If it was the other way around I probably wouldn't be anymore worried than he was.  I'd probably been more worried about whether he could stay on top of his appointments and finances. 

The day after the diangosis I rode with my brother and his wife to visit my other brother several hours away for a long weekend.  We were visiting for our niece's high school graduation.  I thought about telling my brother and wife on the way there but it didn't seem like a conversation to have in a car.  I knew I wasn't going to mention this once there since it was meant to be a celebratory weekend. I couldn't bring myself to tell them on the way home either. It took me about 3 weeks after diagnosis to tell my brothers and dad.  I wanted to have more information like the surgery date before I told them.  My mom thankfully lives overseas so I did not have to burden her with the bad news.  She would just worry so I chose not tell her.  My brothers, their families, and dad took it well.  I know they are there for me if I need anything, but there really wasn't much that I needed, and what little I did need my boyfriend could step in.  

Telling some friends seemed easier than telling other friends. I am not sure why.  One of the first friends I told was one who had a family history of breast cancer.  I think I wanted to know what she knew since I knew nothing about breast cancer when I was diagnosed.  I told another friend who had a history of another type of cancer.  There I think I was seeking to connect with someone who have been through something similar.  I also told friends I saw in person regularly since I wanted them to understand if I could not hang out like before. I told few others who were remote if they ask how it's going or how I'm doing.  There are some friends I feel like I should let know, simply because they are good friends, but I didn't.  I had mixed feelings about telling friends.  Partly because I didn't really know what good it would do other than to serve as a reminder to get their screenings.  Partly because I didn't want to worry people.

Work wise, I decided to tell my boss once I had a surgery date.  I asked him to let the rest of the team know while I was out as I didn't think I could talk about it in front of the team.  I had been doing really well at work and had so much potential in this new team that I had just joined in March of this year.  Unfortunately, this diagnosis was likely to change my ability to operate at the same level as before, and I wanted to set expectations.  

  

Abnormal Pap Smear

There are a lot of doctors appointments when you have cancer.  That doesn't mean you stop seeing your other doctors for non-cancer issues.  I still go to my bi-weekly appointment to get allergy injections.  I also had my first cervical cancer screening (pap smear) in 3 years scheduled for today and I did not want to put off this screening. Unfortunately, the result came back abnormal. It's bad enough I already have one cancer.  The last thing I needed to hear was that I may have another.  The gynecologist tried to ease my mind by telling me an abnormal pap smear does not necessary mean cancer.  Follow up biopsies of the cervix and endometrium fortunately did come back negative.  Still, I have to wonder why the pap smear came back abnormal.

It seems to be common for those who have had cancer to worry that any new pain or discomfort is a recurrence or another cancer.  My boyfriend jokes that I've turned into a hypochondriac.  Breast pain in new location? Must be another cancer brewing.  Pulled calf muscle?  Maybe I have a tumor growing there.  Knee pain?  Back pain?  Headache?  Abdominal pain?  Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.  You know it is more likely to not be cancer, but once you draw the unlucky straw of having cancer once, it's always going to be on your mind.  I hope in time, after I regain health and stay healthy a while, the anxiety will lesson.