Neptune Festival - "Run, Run, Run!"

Since going back to work early August, I had felt pretty overwhelmed between work, doctors appointments, treatments, and trying to stay on top of my health.  It really had not been going well at all.  I was mentally and physically exhausted, and I found myself stress eating often.  I had regained the weight I'd lost during the 4 weeks I had off from work after the surgery.  I was not feeling healthy at all.  A week into my FMLA for radiation treatment though, I was starting to feel a little better.  This weekend was Neptune Festival, and I wanted to go see the sand sculptures and other festivities going on at the oceanfront.  I just needed to do something fun, something to remind myself why I'm fighting to live. Coincidentally, a friend reached out and wanted to do the same.  I did not feel too well the Saturday, but I felt I could manage on the Sunday so we went. 

Every year at the festival there is a sand sculpting contest and that was our first stop.  There were many very beautiful sculptures.  There was one in particular though that really spoke to me and was my vote for People's Choice award.  The sculpture was titled "Run, Run, Run!" by sculptors Thomas Koet of USA and Nikolai Torkhov of Russia.  It was less about the artistry than the theme to me, but it did win 3rd place so I think it must've spoke to some of the judges too.  

Life is short, slow down so you don’t waste it! This sculpture is about the busy times in our lives, where we rush, day in, day out just to get through the week. It is so easy to forget to take a breath and try to enjoy our lives but we might miss out if we don’t take a break every now and then.

On one side of the sculpture there was a man hooked up to an IV, wearing a suit and running to work.  First thing that crossed my mind was "That's me!"  I had been trying to juggle work while undergoing cancer treatment, which has been stressful in many ways. I finally came to my senses and took FMLA/STD again starting this week but I wondered what the future holds for me.  What if I don't tolerate my medication well and feel sick all the time?  What if there is a recurrence?  What if I want to live a healthier lifestyle not working at a desk 40 hours a week?  The healthcare system in US is very expensive so health insurance is very expensive.  If I lose my current work benefits and had to go on COBRA for health insurance, it would cost over $800 a month.  I asked my company a few weeks ago if reducing my work week to 30 hours would be possible.  They said "no" - I had to use FMLA.  What happens when FMLA runs out and I get sick again?  I was really disheartened by my company's policy.  Many people probably continue to work even when they are ill just so they can keep their health insurance.  This is no way to live.  Working 40 hours a week is BS.  Having only 3 weeks of PTO is BS.  Working to age 65 is BS.  I need to get out of the rat race asap.

Radiation Week 5

By this week I was getting tired of trying to work while getting treatments. I woke up not feeling well the Monday and decided to take a day off.  By end of the day, I decided I can't go on like this and requested FMLA and STD for the next 5 weeks.  I cancelled my business trip that I was originally looking forward to.  As treatment went on though, I knew it would be tough on my body to try to go.  I had stopped wearing a bra by the second week of treatments and I couldn't imagine going the whole week with it on.  I also had another week of treatments before the trip and things were only going to get worse.  My supervisor is pretty understanding and missing the business trip wasn't going to be a big deal.  Even if it was, the only thing on my mind now was getting through these treatments and getting better. 

By now, my underarm had started burning pretty badly.  Early on, I did not realize the extent of the treatment area and may not have applied the Strata cream or moisturizer properly in some areas.  The burn came on suddenly though and it had gotten painful since the skin under the arm would crack if I reached for anything.  All the radiation doctor offered me during this week's skin check was to put hydrocortisone on it if it itches.  My skin is pretty unhappy, but I went on to finish the 25 days of whole breast radiation.

Radiation Weeks 2-4

During the second week of radiation they took off some of the stickers.  I realized then that they had tattooed me with blue ink rather than the pink as discussed with the doctor (I have fair skin).  I couldn't believe they made such a mistake and again I was upset.  I don't like tattoos and didn't want tattoos but I deemed it as something medically necessary so I went with it.  Then they mark me with a color that would be quite noticeable on my skin.  It would be visible if I wore a bikini (yeah, 50 somethings do wear bikinis) or if I went to a public bathhouse (I visit Japan often).  Between this and the scheduling mistake of last week, my opinion of this practice was getting pretty low.  When I mentioned it to the doctor, she said that she can put in a referral to get them removed after the treatment finishes and skin heals.  Since it can take months to get an appointment in some places I asked for the referral right away.  The next day I got a call from the dermatology office where she sent the referral.  They didn't do tattoo removals or accept new patients.  Another let down from my radiation doctor.  

The second week was a shorter treatment week since Labor Day was Monday.  I stayed on top of moisturizing the area.  I'm starting to see more redness and hyperpigmentation.  Fatigue levels varied throughout the week.  Some days I felt ok while others were a struggle.  Since any time I take off under FMLA would be unpaid (I only have a few hours of PTO built back up after surgery), I tried to make up all hours I missed.  It was kinda tough.  I was also feeling some nausea this week.  The doctor said that the radiation shouldn't cause an upset stomach.  Maybe I ate something bad.

The third and fourth week didn't get any easier.  Skin is getting darker and I'd still have some bad days fatigue wise.  I wanted to keep up with my exercises though, so couple days a week I would go to the gym.  I didn't have time to go to the garden for long walks but on days I didn't go to the gym I would walk around the apartment complex for about 20-30 minutes day and night.  Every day all I could manage was some form of exercise, work, treatment, eat and not much else. I found myself working late a lot of days since I was working on some really challenging tasks. My doctors appointments also weren't limited to the radiation treatments so on some days I missed more work. These last two weeks I had two radiation sessions on the Friday.  The day after those double doses, all I did was sleep all day.